I Only Have Eyes for You

 

While most of North America watches the skies today, April 8th, as the moon eclipses the sun, my eyes will be on this guy just as they have been for the past twenty-nine years. Today we celebrate our anniversary. I remember being nervous to get married. My parents were divorced, and I had known so many others that were as well. What made us think we could make our marriage last? After all, we had no real goals for ourselves at the time. We were so young, being married when I was just nineteen. We thought we were so mature and responsible. We didn't even discuss any important issues before making the most important decision of our lives. We really just went with the flow. My mom's advice was "Marriage has to consist of the three C's: Christ, Commitment, and Communication". 

Christ slowly grew as the center of our home. I had grown up in the church but still had so much growth to do. He had gone to church from time to time with a family friend but was just beginning to find his faith when we started dating. I told him I didn't want him to come to church with me just because he knew it was important to me. I wanted him to go because it was important to him. He started by going every other week. By the time we were married, he had given his life back over to God. We were far from perfect in our faith but at least we both had that foundation to start our life together on. As the years went by, we explored our faith together, things we felt God was calling us toward and boundaries we knew we wanted to set in our family and for our future children. When we had children, seven years after getting married, we started them out in church and tried our best to live the example at home, giving them a foundation in God to build on. As they hit teenage years, we encouraged them to explore other faiths and to ask questions. We did not want them to build a fake religion based on our beliefs but to have a real relationship with God and know what they believed and why. If they had any doubts, that was okay because God could definitely handle them. It wasn't up to us to convince our kids that God is real. It was up to them to submit and then up to God to show up! I was standing in church yesterday morning between my two children, ages 17 and 21, and my heart was so humbled and, at the same time, proud because God has been faithful. I've seen them grow into their own relationships with God. They have gone against the current of some things their friends are getting into without fear of being rejected because they know that the only One they have to answer to is God. I, as their mother, can ask for nothing more.

So far, in our twenty-nine years, we have proven commitment. When things get hard, we lean into each other, not away from each other. We don't go to other people for support. We discuss it together and come to an agreement - eventually. I tell my kids that love will not always show up as butterflies in your stomach. You're not always going to look at your person and think, "I love them so much" as a goofy smile crosses your face. Sometimes you really do need to make a conscious decision to love that other person. Pet peeves and things you once found endearing but have now become annoying will eventually show up. Looks will change for better or worse, you will go through sickness, money disagreements and many other things that could cause you to become bitter toward the other person. The human desire to want to be selfish and do what makes you happy sometimes takes over and you have to make an effort to think beyond yourself. Home and work responsibilities will get in the way. As you age, your energy level will make it difficult to put forth effort to always prioritize your spouse. However, if you hang in there and keep trying, if you can realize that they are just having a bad day and give them the space they need until they work through their own thoughts and are able to share those feelings with you, it will all be worth it. This person will eventually know you inside and out. The feeling you have with them will be comfortable. You will look at them and know that they have your best interest in mind. Where they are is where you will feel safe. 

Communication is the third part of this successful marriage equation. Honestly, this is still a work in progress. After twenty-nine years of marriage, as well as he knows me, I would think our non-verbal cues would be without fail. Nope, unfortunately, he still cannot read my mind. I do still have to explain exactly what I mean.  As we get older, we may have to remind the other person several times of important things. In this day and age where phones are always at our fingertips, filled with social media and news stories, we have to make an effort to talk when we have each other's undivided attention.  We learn to read our spouse's body signals and know when it's a good time to bring something up or wait to deal with it until later. These things will be learned over time but, again, you have to be patient, unselfish, and not expect it to happen all at once. Try to see things from the other's point of view before coming to the conclusion that your opinion is the only correct one. That's good advice for life in general.

I'm certainly no expert on marriage. Seriously, we just wing it most of the time. I guess we were lucky to grow up together and with God leading the way, our core values happened to line up. Everything else fell into place with effort given to putting the other person's needs before our own. I cannot imagine doing life with anyone else. I only have eyes for him. Happy Anniversary to my best friend.