Sticks and Stones

 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." I'm sure we are all familiar with this saying in one form or another. Let's face it, though, words DO hurt. They may not leave outward scars like our physical wounds, but they hurt in a very deep and personal place. Our inner thoughts may have to fight with them for years until we can finally be freed of their effects. When you grow up hearing words or phrases to describe you such as "little piggy", "chubby", "Ox", "Shamu", "She has such a pretty face.", "big boned", they follow you into your teenage and young adult years. They haunt you when you gain weight after marriage, when you become pregnant so that you try to hide your growing belly instead of being proud of the life you are growing inside of it. They haunt you even when you lose the weight, and you are at the lowest you ever remember being since high school when you would eat half an apple for breakfast and cheese crackers for lunch, desperately trying not the be the biggest one in your friend group. They haunt you as you raise your kids, not wanting to be in videos because when you watch them back, you have to see yourself. You try hard not to pass this poor self-image and self-doubt on to your kids. 

There are times when I look in the mirror and cry as I tell myself "I hate you. You're so ugly." and cry out to God, asking why He made me this way. This self-doubt effects many areas of my life. In the past, I have been hesitant to call myself a "runner" when talking to others that run. How can I put myself on their fitness level? I'm thinking that they're thinking "She runs? How does she still look like that?" I hesitate to wear my Dairy Queen 5K t-shirt that I earned after our family's first 5K run that we all completed together because it says, "Will run for ice cream.", thinking people will laugh and joke, "Yeah, we can tell!" I hesitate to start conversations with people because why do I think they want to hear what I have to say? I sometimes miss out on fun experiences just because I am too guarded, I don't want to bring attention to myself. Those inner voices become challenged when your adult daughter tells you she wishes you wouldn't hate yourself even though you think you are doing a good job of hiding your inner dialogue. The voices need to stop!

There have been new voices describing me as "beautiful", "curvy", "strong", "better than you think you are", but the one that I am learning to treasure the most is "the light of God shines through you." King David writes in Psalms 139:14 (CSB) "I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well."  I believe I have been created by God and this tells me His works are wonderful. I am remarkable. Everything He created was "good." After the six days of creation, "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good indeed." Genesis 1:31 (CSB) I am far from perfect as God is in His perfection, but I was created in His image, "So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female." Genesis 1:27 (CSB) I have the ability to keep growing in the words of God and the promises of His good news so that I reflect that image with each passing day. Jesus teaches, "You are a light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16 (CSB) 

In complete transparency, I can't tell you that the negative voices have been silenced. I imagine I will fight against them all my life, even as I am successful in reaching certain weight loss goals or fitness milestones as I have been successful in past pursuits, only to then set new goals or start to slide backwards. We all fight against our own voices. I vow that when I hear my voices, I will try to hold them against the truth of what God says about me. Who am I to say that as His creation, I am not good enough, that I don't measure up, that I am anything less than who He has created me to be? How arrogant of me! In order to honor Him, I must not let anyone else's voice dim my light. I must focus on what God says about me because I am called to be the light and shine the love and truth of God brightly. I must not let those words stick. "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you." Although, it is my prayer that you also find freedom in who God says you are rather than be held captive to the voices in your own head. Shine bright, my friend!