Get Out of Your Head

Last weekend, my husband and I were invited to a formal event. I don't dress up that often, not necessarily because I don't like to, but because I have some weird self-esteem issues. (I'm working on it!) My daughter and I went shopping for a dress the week before. I had found one that I felt was flattering and comfortable. As I got ready the afternoon of the event, I was feeling pretty good about how I looked. At the event, we had assigned table seating. We had three other guests assigned to our table. One of them never showed, one saw the table she was assigned to but chose another seat while whispering "I'm supposed to be at THAT table", complete with a finger point and side eye, and one young lady who sat with us had made polite small talk but gracefully excused herself to a table of younger guests when she saw no one else was joining us. 

There we were at a back corner table, just the two of us. My negative self-talk kicked into high gear. Why do we never seem to fit in? I tried to make myself feel better by thinking of it as a fancy date with a free meal. My husband kept reassuring me that it was okay, not to take offense and we would just enjoy our evening together. With the whole table to ourselves, we could spread out, and we didn't have to come up with small talk topics. Before the meal began, we did have two people come sit and talk with us at separate times. The one ended up inviting us to sit at his table. All the guests at that table moved their seats and made room for us. I had prepared myself to enjoy the evening even if the only other person I talked to was my husband. It was nice, though, to feel seen and to be included. "But look, the Lord keeps his eye on those who fear him - those who depend on his faithful love." Psalms 33:18 (CSB)

I will never know if I truly would have let myself enjoy the evening if it ended with us sitting alone the whole time. If I could have gotten out of my own head and quieted the negative self-talk, if I could have simply lived in the moment without assuming how others perceive me, if I could have accepted that I don't need to live up to anyone else's expectations except God's, we would have made it a fun night. That's what I'm learning to do with my running. I am learning to shut down the negative self-talk before it begins because once the feeling of "I can't do it" slips in, I go into panic mode. I've done it before, and I know I can do it again. I don't make excuses for myself before each run "just in case" I can't make it the whole way. I live in the moment and go by feeling. I don't set expectations before I head out. I tell myself that I can quit when I want to, but have learned to slow it down when it feels harder until I settle in. Since I have gotten out of my own head, the miles have become enjoyable "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV)